Lily Evans, Captured
by headupintheclouds
Summary: Sequel to The Elusive Lily Evans. Three little words leave Lily and James in a little feud. How will Lily cope once the move is hers to make? Will everything change after she admits she loves him, as she fears?
1. Three Little Words

**Lily Evans, Captured**

By headupintheclouds

…And then it Fell Apart

"Eighty-three days," Lily muttered to herself, drawing back the sheets. It was her customary awakening, to count down the days to graduation. Unfortunately, this awakening was much, much too early.

The seasons were lurking between a lingering winter and spring, and the cold night air made her bristle. It filled her lungs and made her wish she could crawl back into bed. Trying to shake the sleep out of her system, she slowly opened the door to her room. The old wood groaned and creaked, but she did her best to keep it quiet. It was, after all, three in the morning.

As sleep wore off, it was replaced by a sort of cloudy feeling throughout her. Her head felt foggy and a little disoriented. As she stubbed her toe on the threshold to the Head bathroom, the pain was dulled and far-off. The feeling wasn't new; Lily had had boughts of insomnia when she was younger. They'd been cured once she'd entered Hogwarts, and she'd never looked back.

Tonight, however, there was too much to think about. And one very irritable James Potter down the hall.

---Flashback---

"_Eighty-four more days," James whispered in her ear._

_Confused, she looked up at him._

"_Until we're done with Hogwarts," he clarified._

_She grinned, but then her face fell. "What about after that?" she asked._

"_What do you mean?" James asked._

"_I mean us. What's going to happen after graduation?" Lily asked, avoiding James' gaze._

"_We'll stay together, of course," James said. He sounded a little surprised she'd even ask._

"_What if I don't want to?" she retorted playfully._

"_Then I guess I'll have to make you," he responded._

_Lily just grinned up at him, comfortable to lock eyes again._

"_Forever?" she asked softly, her words almost lost on the soft breeze of the night._

"_Forever," he replied just as softly._

---End of Flashback---

It was the sort of mushy couple exchange that had sickened her until she experienced it with James. It was the sort of folly banter couples exchanged in. It was naïve, but charming as a participant. In the long run, teenagers preferred to think of themselves as riding off into the sunset, still married 40-some years later. And, of course, having miraculously escaped aging. The optimism sickened her at times.

However, there was much more beyond that exchange that had messed her up; a certain brunette (possibly) sleeping mere feet away had made a confession. Three accursed words, strung together, had sent Lily staggering back to her insomniac past.

The revelation had been made at the _most_ inconvenient time; after dinner. Everyone was running around, navigating routes to dorm rooms, and few students hurrying to make it to the library before it shut its' doors for the night. She actually had yet to think of a more appropriate time; all she knew was that the nausea and anxiety had almost overcome her, with everyone to see.

Staring wide-eyed into James' nervous hazel ones, she'd taken flight. She just ran. Ran down the hall, up the staircase, and had gotten herself lost in the school. She watched the sun set from a window she'd never seen before, and waited a good few hours after. To be sure she wouldn't see him.

Sneaking back into her own Head Common Room, she found him on the other side of the door she worked so hard to keep from making a sound. His eyes were trained steadily on hers, though carefully void of emotion.

She paused for a moment, trying to gather the words in her head and gather them into something that would fix this. The look of hurt and misunderstanding was too much to comprehend; this was someone she cared about. All the words seemed to be present, but she just couldn't string them together right. She knew that all she had to do was say the right words and this could all be over, all fixed. They could forget about it, or laugh about it, or do anything else about it, for that matter. So long as it was okay, so long as the hurt was removed, erased from those eyes.

But she couldn't find them.

And James wasn't waiting.

After watching her toy with her vocabulary for a while, he simply rose up from the couch and slipped silently across the floor. After he broke eye contact with her, he didn't turn back. It was pointed, his avoiding her eyes. And it hurt. Lily heard the door to his room open, then firmly shut. It had a volume just below that of a slam, but she knew it wasn't to be argued with.

James did not want to talk. Not that Lily had figured out what to say.

So now, about four hours after that encounter, Lily was four hours more rested, but not any closer to a decision. She knew that the next move was hers, and that it was unchangeable.

She knew James was special to her; much more so than anyone else. He'd become an integral part of her life in the past few months. But Lily was also all-or-nothing. She would have none of the "I think I love you," crap she was always hearing about. Love was more limitless than that, surely. It was classical, and your first love only happens once. It can't be re-written, it can't be elaborated on. It lives on, through memory. Even if you get another boyfriend, fall in love with some else, and marry them, your first love is never replaced.

She was, at the moment, trying to decide the better alternative: break James' heart and say she didn't love him, or tell him she did and let him go through his whole life thinking his feelings were returned while Lily waited to develop them.

On the one hand, she'd get her ass dumped; WAY dumped. On the other, they'd both be living a lie at James' expense. If he ever found out, he would feel betrayed, entirely betrayed.

She was suddenly acutely aware of the tinny taste that was enveloping her taste buds: she'd bitten her lip too hard. She hadn't even realized she'd been chewing it. As the taste gradually faded, Lily wondered what she was so afraid of: James was SUPPOSED to be her boyfriend, and one of her closest friends. He'd understand, right?

If only she could convince the knot in her stomach of that.

Feeling a little heady, Lily stood up. She braced herself mentally before taking measured paces toward James' room. She still had no idea what to say, but if she didn't say it soon, she knew she never would.

A/N: "I'll write you just to let you know that I'm all right…" and the rest of that song doesn't apply tonight. Short, I know. But I've got a pounding head. Been sick all day. Plus you should be happy (or at least, some moderate, toned-down version of happy since James and Lily are screwed over) 'cuz this means (drumroll) SEQUEL! See you all soon. Quite soon. Sooner than you think –cue the eerie music-


	2. This isn't Getting Much Better

**Lily Evans, Captured**

By headupintheclouds

…And I don't know what to say…

Lily found her own hand reaching up to knock at James' door, unbidden.

And then she found it falling back to her side.

She turned away, shaking her head. There was no way she could possibly knock on that door… at 3:15 in the morning. None at all; what would she say? _'Erm, just checking if you were sleeping. Oh, you were? Great, then. Back to it.'_?

But she forcefully guided herself back towards his door. She took her trembling hand and carefully set it on a course toward his door. She tapped once, quickly, and then stood in horror at what she had done. She heard him as he turned on his lamp (and saw the light spill faintly under the door), rummage around a bit ('_Probably to find his glasses_,') and finally, he was standing before her. She'd somehow missed the bit where the door opened.

She started coaching herself in her head, _'Alright, now make him sit down and talk to you. Don't let this one slip away.' _But this didn't come out. Apparently, what did come out was, "You don't have to talk to me,"

_'Oh, very confident. You really told him,'_ she admonished herself in her head. _'Alright, now you need to explain yourself. Tell him you love him back, tell him you're just scared. Tell him you love him,'_ she prodded herself.

She looked up, catching the end of something he'd said. Oh, God, he'd replied! And she hadn't been listening! Someone forgot to mention that in general conversation, responses are made! And that one had to listen! And not go out of their head!

She nodded deftly, praying this was the correct response.

"I didn't ask a question," he said softly.

She nodded again.

_'All you've got to do is tell him how you feel; how you couldn't sleep, how you were thinking of him, just tell him everything,'_ the voice in her head said.

"Did you want something?" he asked. He was being surprisingly tolerant, especially after he'd told her he loved her and she'd run away.

_'Maybe he forgot,'_ Lily told herself. _'Best not remind him.'_

"I ran away. When you said that-" she started. _'Yeah, good job with the "not-telling-him" bit,'_ her mind mocked.

"When I said that I loved you," he finished. He nodded. "I was there."

She wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not.

"I just- I think we should talk. Probably," she added.

"Yeah- probably," he retorted. Okay, so maybe he wasn't taking this quite as well as she'd though. He was a little bitter. And very sarcastic. And more than a little intimidating. _'He said, "loved,"' _she realized in horror. Past tense had never caused her so much pain.

And suddenly, he was brushing past her, making his way to their couch. In front of the fire. _'Was that there before?'_ she wondered. She shook off the thought quickly.

As he seated himself, he glanced up at her. "Coming?" he asked. She only nodded, and felt her feet pick themselves up and put themselves down, until her waist was bending to seat her beside him. All unbidden.

_'All right, now's the hard part. You have to explain that you love him, but you were scared,'_ she advised herself.

"Why did you say 'loved'?" she asked aloud. _'You're not so great at following directions,'_ she told herself in her head.

"Judging by your reaction, you didn't want to be loved," he explained bitterly. "So I stopped."

It was stated simply.

"And- and- it's just some sort of _choice_ you can make? You can turn it on and off? You can just _decide_ I'm not worth it, and turn off your feelings? Why, you're- you're… a PRAT!" she intoned furiously.

"Yes, yes I am," he replied. It was as though he was too tired to fight. Must have been the first time in his life. He seemed to have resigned himself to something.

"What else can you turn off? That insufferably large head? Do you know that I only went out with you on a _bet_?" she seethed. _'You know, I'm not sure you should've said that. I mean, beyond the "it's-a-complete-and-total-lie" part, it also didn't sound much like "I love you." We're going to have to work on this "listening" thing,'_

"A bet? Really? Because it definitely didn't feel like a bet. And I didn't know you even took bets, considering the number of times I've instigated having you dared, betted, and bribed to go out with me," he replied. It didn't work well to conceal the hurt, despite that intention.

_'Crap, crap, crap. Okay, tell him you were just upset. It was a lie. Tell him you didn't mean it,'_ she cautioned herself.

"Yeah, a bet. With Alice Longbottom. That I could get you to say you love me. And you know what? It was _amusing_. So glad I'd never accept a date invitation for real," she found herself spitting. _'Oh, boy. This is getting worse and worse. You realize that, right? And that you have to live with him, in these dorms, for the rest of the year? And that, most likely, you'll be in love with him the whole time? And he'll sit around hating you? Yeah, sounds like fun.'_

"So did you get your _prize_?" he sputtered.

"Yes, but it wasn't worth the humiliation!" he roared. She looked down to see herself, arms crossed, and standing. She wasn't entirely sure how she'd gotten there.

"Good; glad to be of service," he said. He sounded despondent. _'This is getting worse by the second.' _

"Why did you say you loved me if it wasn't true?" she raged.

"Because I thought it was; I was unaware of this little bet." He glanced up to find her paling, looking as though she would faint. "Yes, Lily Evans, I thought I loved you. And I'm terribly, terribly sorry for it," he added the last little sarcastic comment simply to spite her, but she was still standing there looking unfazed.

And suddenly, she was sitting back down. She looked drawn; beaten. As though she were giving up. James would have given anything to swoop her up in his arms and fix everything, but that was probably some other clause in the bet. And he was not going to be made any more of a fool.

"How could you think that?" she asked softly, staring into the flames. He kept his gaze on her.

"That I loved you? Well, you see, your entire façade was really quite believable. Nice scam," he countered.

"But- you thought you loved me? You either did or you didn't. You can't just sort of waver between he two!" she was growing impatient. Anxious. Apprehensive.

"I didn't," he clarified. She felt her heart rip in two. She watched as he flew off into the sunset on his broom, clutching her beat-up heart. He watched as he tossed it expertly through a golden hoop. And then she watched as it fell to pieces during its descent. It hurt; just a little tiny bit.

_'It's not too late. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, he deserves to know,'_ she reasoned with herself.

But suddenly, she watched his figure lift itself from the couch. It made its way across the room. She heard his feet plod down the hallway. Heard his door open and shut.

She crept down the hall. She heard him rummaging around a bit, and watched as the sliver of light creeping under the doorway was turned off.

And then she stood very, very still for a very, very long time. She stared at his door. Listened as he fell softly into slumber.

_'I love you,'_ she thought. _'And it doesn't even matter.'_

**A/n: Yeah. Kind of downer-some, as I said to Haley. It sorta sucks, no? Well, we just hope it picks up. D'you happen to know anyone with any control over the situation? Cuz I sure hope they straighten this out. It's gone all mucky. **


	3. I Love You, Belated

**Lily Evans, Captured**

By headupintheclouds

…I'm not sure I can fix this…

---

Lily slowly made her way back to her own room, wishing she could wave a wand and mutter some sort of spell, and have the night be erased from James' memory.

She crawled slowly under her covers, more for the comfort than because she had any intent of sleeping. She lay on her back, and reach deftly over to flip off the light. She spent the rest of the night staring up at her ceiling, as memories flitted over her eyes. Not surprisingly, they all featured James. Some were of their dates, some of cute notes he would pass her in class or the hallways. The ones that hurt the most, however, were the ones that never happened.

Lily, who was now fully convinced she loved him, kept finding herself envisioning their marriage. Another image that made her cringe was that of a small baby in her arms, with a mop of curly black hair like his dad's and her own emerald eyes staring back at her. She was positive it was what their child would have looked like. As her imagination caused James to stoop down to place a kiss on both her cheek and the baby's, she found tears filling her eyes.

Her head buzzed from all the things she wished she could have said; from all the feelings she could never have made him understand. She knew she needed to let them out.

Peeling back the covers, Lily found herself inking a note that would never have gotten sent. At least, not unless she was as sleep-deprived and desperate as she was at that moment.

In her neat and immaculate handwriting, she wrote James a note. It didn't explain everything; Lily was entirely positive that nothing could. But it made an attempt.

Half an hour later (the parchment was sparsely populated for such a huge amount of time spent on it), she found her hands creasing the parchment crisply, unbidden.

She found them lighting a candle, and searching through her desk for the sealing wax her mother had had the insight to pack for her.

She found herself sealing the letter with a hot, waxy 'L.'

She found her legs stirring beneath her and carrying her clumsily to the floor space outside James' room.

She found herself bending down, pressing the letter into the floor, aligned in perfect parallel to his door.

And she found herself stealing back to her room.

Once the door closed behind her, she felt giddy but nervous at her actions. She yearned to sneak back and steal the note, but knew that the words needed to be said.

She crawled back into bed for what felt like the thousandth time that night, and sleep finally deigned to take her.

She awoke in the morning to find herself very late in waking: breakfast had finished exactly ten minutes ago, leaving her twenty minutes until her first class. Scurrying out of bed and throwing things across her room in a state of panic, trying to piece together a clean set of robes for the day, she was suddenly hit by an idea.

Thinking back to the events of last night, she remembered the letter she'd left for James.

---

---

James that morning:

Groggily shaking his head, he tired to piece together what had occurred the previous night. In his sleep-drawn state, it took him a few minutes to separate the reality from what had occurred in that night's dreams (namely, a joyous reunion with Lily that resulted in her accepting his proposal of marriage, and something about Peeves conducting the ceremony…).

He dressed quickly and simply, then opened his door to head down to an early breakfast.

As he stepped out, he found the floor beneath his foot swivel a little under his weight, an entirely unnerving turn of events. Peering down, he found that he was standing atop a piece of parchment.

Picking it up, he found he'd all but demolished the wax seal with the heel of his shoe. Unfolding the parchment, he read:

**_James,_**

_**I'm sorry.**_

_**And I'm not sure if that means anything.**_

_**I wish I could explain.**_

_**I'm scared. Not of you, exactly, but of love. I don't know how to act; I don't know how to handle it.**_

_**Most of all, I don't want anything to change.**_

_**When most couples start saying those words, they stop acting the way they always did.**_

_**And I don't want that.**_

_**So here it is, a bit belated:**_

_**I love you.**_

_**And it doesn't even matter.**_

**_--Lily_**

He sighed, and turned back into his own room, closing the door behind him.

Sitting down at his desk, he inked up a letter in response, and devised to leave it in the exact same spot as she'd left hers, knowing it would be the first thing she'd check in the morning.

As soon as his own waxen seal was intact, he settled the letter into the same position the old one had been.

Gathering the books he'd need for the day from the table in their Common Room, he shoveled them into his bag. Latching it shut, he left the room, heading for the Great Hall.

---

---

Feeling like a fool, Lily shot to her door, thrust it open, and stopped, peering into the hallway. She felt her breath escape her; despair suddenly filled her stomach.

Tiptoeing down the hall, she let out a breath of relief to find that the sealing wax James had used was a different shade than hers; that her own letter was not lying dismally where she'd left it.

Scooping it up, she started to read his clumsy script:

**_Lily,_**

_**No, sorry doesn't mean a thing.**_

_**Those words always will, though.**_

_**I wish I could hear you say them.**_

_**I wish I could make you feel safer about this.**_

_**All I can do is promise that I won't change.**_

**_--James_**

Lily struggled to stop herself from feeling completely consoled: James had neither said he loved her, nor assured her of the status of their relationship.

For all she knew, James took last night's events to be a break-up, and if that was the case, he had done nothing to repeal that with his letter.

Her mind now heavy trying to figure out what he meant, Lily quickly dressed and collected her things for class.

When she finally entered the dungeons, she was five minutes late. Weaving a complex path through the dungeon hallways, she made her was to the heavy wooden door that separated her from Slughorn. Moreover, it separated her from James.

As she shot a hand out to pry the door open, a thought stopped her: _how to acknowledge James._

Why hadn't she thought of it before?

When they'd been dating before, she would always send him a small tilt of her head and a smile. Throughout the lesson, also, they would make eye contact many times. When either thought the teacher had said something stupid, or someone asked an obvious question, they would send each other looks, as though it were some inside joke.

If they were dating, James would surely notice something amiss when she failed to even glance his way.

On the other hand, she would look entirely foolish if she entered, when half the room was already aware of their break-up.

Miserably, she started to pace across the hallway.

Saving her from this terrifying decision, however, came James.

He opened the door to the Potions room, and saw her. Carefully closing the door behind him, he walked up to her.

"Hey- Slughorn sent me to see if you were feeling alright. It's not like you to miss class."

"I- er, I woke up late," she said. She could feel her pale, freckled skin reddening. She tried not to think of it.

"Well, I for one vote we don't go back," James mused suddenly, a teasing grin on his face.

"What?" asked Lily, clearly perturbed at the thought.

"If I go back in there in a few minutes, announce you're not feeling well and need someone to tend to you, I'm nearly sure he'll let me leave. You _are_ part of his Slime Club, aren't you?"

"Well- yeah," she admitted.

"Then it's settled. We could both do with a little time to talk, I expect," he said. Although the tone was innocent, his insinuations were entirely honest.

After pondering the thought for a few minutes, Lily said, "Alright."

James' head shot up disbelievingly.

"I was _joking_!" he exclaimed. She started to retract her statement, but her cut her off, "But since you've agreed…" he waggled his eyebrows at her.

She grinned up at him, before her question returned to her.

"James, if I ask something, will you promise to answer?" she asked quietly, suddenly avoiding his gaze.

"Anything, m'dear," James replied easily. Any other girl would take being called 'm'dear' as a nickname for a girlfriend. James, however, had called her that for years.

"Are we- are we still dating?"

**A/N: Right… nice little cliffie, no? If anybody could add this to their C2 or something, that would be amazing. I'm not getting nearly the readership I had with TELE, and this is the sequel. It's a bit perturbing. Anyway, please review like crazy. It makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time. Suggestions, preferences, flames, anything. Tell me how your day's been going, if everything else fails. See you next installment, dearies!**


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